Super Jumping Power – Every NES Game

BreakThru

Publisher: Data East
Year: 1987
Genre: Shmup Side-Scroll

In BreakThru, you are the driver of a jumpy car (a fairly common video game theme even today) who must drive into enemy territory, assault their base and recover a top secret jet of some sort (top-secret jets are also a fairly common theme).

I know I complain about title screens a lot, but when this is my introduction to a game, it's really hard to get my hopes up. — I know I complain about title screens a lot, but when this is my introduction to a game, it’s really hard to get my hopes up.

Along the way, you’ll battle enemies that shoot constantly into the area you have to occupy to even have a chance to shoot them, parachutes that prevent their precious cargo from ever reaching all the way to the ground, and chunky controls that will kill you more effectively than any of the enemies can hope to.

Jumpy car, meet... some kind of tank with an antenna and also I think it's got wheels? — Jumpy car, meet… some kind of tank with an antenna and also I think it’s got wheels?

John’s Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0. There’s not too much mechanically wrong with this game, it’s just hard to pinpoint anything this game did right. The graphics are lackluster, the gameplay is bland and unsatisfying, the enemies are dull yet difficult, and although the sound is not overly annoying the best that can be said of it is that it is forgettable.

BreakThru (U)_005 — The Final Season of Little House on the Prairie was INTENSE.

Athletic World

Publisher: Bandai
Year: 1987
Genre: Power Pad

Do you own a Power Pad? The answer to that is, “No, you do not own a power pad because no one does.” The Power Pad was part of an insidious plot to convince us to use video games as a way of staying fit and healthy. How stupid is that? So stupid that DDR made huge amounts of money off the idea. So stupid that all three major game systems of the 21st century are courting that same fitness nut “gamer” crowd through motion sensing cameras and motion capture controllers. So stupid that Pokémon Go is the most popular mobile game of all time. It’s all part of conspiracy to make gamers use games as exercise, and it finds all its roots here.

Family "Fun" Fitness — Family “Fun” Fitness

Without a Power Pad, this game is a dull button masher. WITH a power pad, this game is a dull excuse to not go outside because you can get all the energy you need staring at a TV.

I "won," but at what cost? — I “won,” but at what cost?

John’s Rating: 0.0 out of 5.0, because I don’t have a power pad, and I’m not going to get one, and you can’t convince me that I’m making a poor life decision.

Athena

Publisher: SNK
Year: 1987
Genre: Platform

The gods must be crazy retarded. Athena is a game about the Greek Goddess of Wisdom a princess and her quest to rid the land of evil make really stupid life decisions.

Athena, pictured here having a mild stroke.

The plot begins with her opening Pandora’s Box the Door Which Shouldn’t Be Opened at Mount Olympus Victory Castle, leading her to enter the Underworld Fantasy World to battle some evil guy named Dante… no wait, that last one’s right.

At least her best armor isn't a chainmail bikini. — At least her best armor isn’t a chainmail bikini.

John’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5.0. Athena jumps a randomly determined height when you hit A. Let me say that again – you jump a randomly determined height when you hit A. It doesn’t matter how long or short you hold the button, Athena either jumps very high or makes a tiny near-useless hop. Nothing I can figure out influences which one it will be. That alone would be a game-breaker, but it also suffers from obnoxious music, poor hit detection and a collection of nearly useless weapons that replace your useful weapons if you so much as look at them wrong. Oh, and levels have no check points. You’re welcome.

As a final note, I know that the first two games by SNK were phenomenally lousy, but they really were a great company, and in upcoming releases, I will be able to sing their praises rather than cursing their name.