Engrish – Every NES Game

Arkanoid

Publisher: Taito
Year: 1987
Genre: Breakout Clone

Every day, people in the civilized world encounter, at bare minimum, four walls (presuming they have a coffee can in their bedroom to poop in), and you know what? Sometimes, we don’t like it. Sometimes, a man just has to say, “You know what, Mr. Wall? Who the hell are you to come into MY house and tell me which of MY rooms are partitioned from one another?” For those of you who, like me, have found themselves injuring some portion of their anatomy in a furious tequila-fueled attempt at libero cubiculum, Arkanoid may well prove to be the cathartic experience you need.

"Hey, kid - wanna eff up some walls?" — “Hey, kid – wanna eff up some walls?”

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Gradius

Publisher: Konami
Year: 1986
Genre: Side-Scroll Shmup

The 80’s were an exciting time in the world of space exploration. America (and all those other countries that don’t matter) spent absurd amounts of money on space programs. Why? Because space was the next frontier of warfare, of course! Basically, every superpower (all two of them) and all those other countries that don’t matter wanted to put more blinky metal things up in the sky faster than anyone else so that they could perfect the art of putting blinky metal things in the sky. If any of their little blinky things had been the glorious Warp Rattler from Gradius, the Cold War would have been cut mercifully short.

Pictured: the ultimate outcome of rocket science!

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Donkey Kong

Year: 1986
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Platform

As a wise man once said, “Everything is better with monkeys.” By “wise” of course, I mean “drunk,” and by “said” I mean “imagined,” but the principle still holds true: EVERYONE loves monkeys, with the possible exception of people who give them Xanax.

But how could they have anticipated that using potent drugs to remove a violent xenophobic predator's inhibitions could possibly have negative repercussions? — But how could they have anticipated that using potent drugs to remove a violent xenophobic predator’s inhibitions could possibly have negative repercussions?

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