Bandai – Every NES Game

Athletic World

Publisher: Bandai
Year: 1987
Genre: Power Pad

Do you own a Power Pad? The answer to that is, “No, you do not own a power pad because no one does.” The Power Pad was part of an insidious plot to convince us to use video games as a way of staying fit and healthy. How stupid is that? So stupid that DDR made huge amounts of money off the idea. So stupid that all three major game systems of the 21st century are courting that same fitness nut “gamer” crowd through motion sensing cameras and motion capture controllers. So stupid that Pokémon Go is the most popular mobile game of all time. It’s all part of conspiracy to make gamers use games as exercise, and it finds all its roots here.

Family "Fun" Fitness — Family “Fun” Fitness

Without a Power Pad, this game is a dull button masher. WITH a power pad, this game is a dull excuse to not go outside because you can get all the energy you need staring at a TV.

I "won," but at what cost? — I “won,” but at what cost?

John’s Rating: 0.0 out of 5.0, because I don’t have a power pad, and I’m not going to get one, and you can’t convince me that I’m making a poor life decision.

Ninja Kid

Year: 1986
Publisher: Bandai
Genre: Platformer

Before I do a review of a game with “ninja” in the title, I just want to clear the air. I’ve already been pretty critical about a martial arts title for the NES, so let me just state the following: ninjas are awesome, especially in video games. Having said that, the 80’s were a different time. You know how everything is about zombies now, and how for every excellent zombie movie or game, there are about three hundred utterly forgettable crap movies and games that no one will ever watch or play a second time on purpose? That’s how ninjas were in the 80’s. What I’m really trying to say is, when I came to this game, I knew I had played it before, but simply could not remember which ninja game it had been.

In its defense, this might be the best title screen yet.

Continue reading “Ninja Kid”

M.U.S.C.L.E.

Publisher: Bandai
Year: 1986
Genre: Fighting
AKA: Tag Team Match MUSCLE

M.U.S.C.L.E. is an awful, ungodly little wrestling game based on a line of tiny vinyl inaction figures based on some Japanese series that, as far as I can tell, is a parody of Mexican masked wrestling. I didn’t delve much deeper than that, so knowing how anime usually turns out, they’re probably actually magical schoolgirls who transform into tiny vinyl figures to time travel and do battle with a vile alliance of Mark Twain and James Joyce in a literary showdown to decide the fate of the world. Wow, that sounds vastly more interesting than this game.

There is a 100% correlation between the involvement of Mattel in a video game and that video game's being incredibly awful. You'll see this more in future installments, I guarantee. — There is a 100% correlation between the involvement of Mattel in a video game and that video game’s being incredibly awful. You’ll see this more in future installments, I guarantee.

The actual gameplay involves moving around on screen, attacking your opponent, and doing nothing whatsoever of substance or interest. Seriously, nothing about this game is fun, clever or well-made. If M.U.S.C.L.E. is a parody of Mexican masked wrestling, the game is a parody of video games.

According to Wikipedia, the original Japanese game had a Nazi character named Brocken Jr., whose finisher was called the “Nazi Gas Attack.” He was replaced with a native American character called “Geronimo,” presumably to keep the theme of genocide without celebrating the perpetrator.

Sadly, only one graphical glitch showed up to watch the match that night between a knight in a mankini, Fu Manchu, a generic white guy and a more different generic white guy.

John’s Score: 1.0 out of 5.0. This game is so shitty that it insults shit to call it shitty. Not to sound overly like the Angry Nintendo Video Game Nerd here, but the game is terminally bland, chronically glitchy and, even if everything goes according to plan, duller than watching paint dry.

Chubby Cherub

Year: 1986
Publisher: Bandai
Genre: Platform

Bandai, responsible for many of the most beloved brands and toy lines of the 1980’s and 1990’s, was also in the video game business at some point. This was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Trademark AND Copyright! They really wanted to protect the valuable Chubby Cherub IP!

In this game, you’re a worthless stupid baby-angel who flies around like the world’s slowest mosquito trying to avoid being raped to death by dogs. That’s the most charitable description of this game I could write.

It's much worse than it looks. — It’s much worse than it looks.

John’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0, because this game is a steaming turd.

Dark JCO’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0. How does a game like this even get made? “I have this great idea for a game! You’re this chubby little angel guy who flies around and eats all these foodstuffs, but there are these dogs who try to stop you.” “BRILLIANT! Send it to presses!” “But we’re still in the concept phase…” “No, no, we only have five minutes. Send it to presses!”

Lord Nightmare’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0. So it’s a game about a fat angel? A fat angel who flies around eating what appear to be random foodstuffs. Is he naked? And he’s being attacked by… the dog from Duck Hunt? Oh, that dog! if I see that dog one more time…