Publisher: Data East Year: 1987 Genre: Action “In a world without sanitation regulations, one man stands ready to give the people what they want: delicious piping hot burgers. This master chef prepares his creations the only way he knows how: through the power of stepping on food. But when a group of rogue hot dogs and fried eggs threaten to put him on the grill, will he be able to turn the tables on the food rebellion, or will BurgerTime be seasoned… with death?”
-The back of the BurgerTime box, except not actually.
Alternately, this could be “Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle: The Game”
Bomberman is a game about a little robot guy who, presumably, lives in a dytopian future where sentient robots are relegated to menial production jobs and all structures are comprised of a combination of bricks and blast doors. Bomberman’s deepest wish is to become human, and he heard a rumor that any robot who makes it to the surface becomes human and gets to star in a considerably less fun game. As such, the bomb-making droid sets out on a quest to escape his dull factory existence and kill everyone in his path, a plan that is, frankly, awesome.
Dystopian futures have terrible fonts.
Arguably one of Nintendo’s greatest strengths has always been the ability of their publishers to create compelling characters that stand the test of time. Character concepts that stick with people by not trying to capitalize on “edgy” concepts the way that a lot of products of the 80’s and early 90’s did, but rather giving us silly, lovable figures that we can enjoy without added baggage. We love Mario because his defining characteristics are saving princesses and jumping on turtles. We love Kirby because his defining characteristics are self-inflation and eating everything in his path. We love Bomberman because he blows things up.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, this game is not good. I mean, really lousy. It is inconsistent, unforgiving and brutal in ways that are consistent with programming issues rather than deliberate efforts to make a hard game. Its controls are sticky and touchy at the same time, and the positioning of bombs can be genuinely bewildering. There is nostalgic value to the game, of course, but it’s not something I would invest a lot of time and effort into playing.
Feel my fiery wrath, orange lightbulb! I *WILL* be a real boy someday!
John’s Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0. Playing this game is often a comedy of errors due not only to the scarcity of power-ups, but also to the dull playing fields, touchy bomb placement and ugly graphics. Fortunately, like a surprisingly large number of dull games with redeeming mechanics, it inspired many fruitful, glorious sequels, all equally filled with that awkward moment where you bomb yourself into a wall.
It might surprise you to know that 3D imagery achieved through stereoscopy dates back to before the American Civil War. Yes, it’s true: 3D images have existed for nearly two hundred years now. So while the relatively new 3DS has garnered considerable hype, it should come as no surprise to even the youngest most naive reader that it is neither the first 3D Game System, nor the first example of 3D games.
But it does have the most elaborate title screen to date. So that’s something.
I should probably do Donkey Kong Jr. first, as it is technically the second game in the Donkey Kong series and also was released chronologically before this one, but as the games don’t exactly lead into one another, I feel little to no remorse about sticking with alphabetic order.
THIS IS THE BEST TITLE SCREEN YET!
Having said that, Donkey Kong 3 is a game wherein you spray a monkey’s hindquarters with insecticide in an effort first to drive him away, then to mash his head into a bee’s nest, presumably out of spite over his attempts to teach his son math; all this while attempting to protect flowers and avoid bee stings.
This game features a surprisingly merciful lack of poo.
John’s Rating: 3.0 out of 5.0. This is a solid, albeit simple, action game, all things considered, and stands as proof that familiar characters can be transplanted into unfamiliar gameplay without making a game suck by default. Mind you, Super Mario Bros. 2 and The Adventures of Link both prove that, but they’re hardly unanimously accepted. Also, BEES!
Year: 1985 Publisher: Nintendo Genre: Puzzle Action
Back in 1985, someone at Nintendo decided that it would be a great idea to have a Mario game wherein Mario cannot jump. Probably the sensible thing to do with someone who made that suggestion is to sit them down circle-time style and explain to them that when Mario was introduced, his name was actually “Jumpman,” and that if Nintendo hadn’t been late with the rent payments, they wouldn’t have ever thought to name him Mario. Then, in full sight of all the other employees, that employee should have been shot in the back of the head and left there as an example.
Instead, they made the damn game.
I consider this game a dis-continuity in the Mario universe and demand a ret-con!
