The 80’s were an exciting time in the world of space exploration. America (and all those other countries that don’t matter) spent absurd amounts of money on space programs. Why? Because space was the next frontier of warfare, of course! Basically, every superpower (all two of them) and all those other countries that don’t matter wanted to put more blinky metal things up in the sky faster than anyone else so that they could perfect the art of putting blinky metal things in the sky. If any of their little blinky things had been the glorious Warp Rattler from Gradius, the Cold War would have been cut mercifully short.
Warning! This review contains spoilers such as THIS GAME MAKES YOU START THE WHOLE THING OVER WHEN YOU “BEAT” IT!
Why, Capcom, why?
When I saw this game next on the list, I was immediately overcome with nostalgia. “Ghosts ‘n Goblins!” I thought, “I remember this game! It sure was challenging, but it was cool how large the selection of weapons was and the kind of powers they granted when you upgraded your armor!” Those of you who have played the game are probably scratching your head right now. You don’t remember any of that! Here’s the problem: I’m remembering Super Ghouls and Ghosts a much better version of essentially the same game for the SNES. Ghosts ‘n Goblins is different. Ghosts ‘n Goblins is… unfortunate.
Even if you owned this game, you might not have gotten this far. Y’know. The end of the first level.
John’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5.0. It isn’t that this game is Nintendo Hard, it’s that it’s arbitrary and unfun about it. A lot of Nintendo Hard games are fun, mostly because they’re HARD, but don’t CHEAT. In the forest just before the above screenshot, I lost my armor because an enemy spawned inside me. I literally did EVERYTHING correctly and still got hit. That’s the kind of game this is, right up until it makes you go back to the beginning and do it all again. Which it does. When you beat the final boss.
This is what you have to look forward to. Only this FOREVER!
In this thrilling sequel (prequel?) to the original Donkey Kong title, you are Donkey Kong Jr., and you must rescue your father from Mario, who has locked Donkey Kong up, possibly for kidnapping Pauline in the previous game. Naturally, therefore, the best course of action would be to release him and allow Stupid Monkey to continue his rampage, possibly at an oversized greenhouse. I digress – as his son, it is your duty, and if you should knock some fruit down or injure some plumbers along the way SO BE IT!
This screen is so boring, I forgot to caption it when I initially posted this.
Donkey Kong Jr., while not perhaps the most memorable or diverse game, was still a worthy addition to the Donkey Kong series and to the Donkey Kong family canon. The controls are well-composed, so movement feels natural and makes sense. The climbing mechanics are interesting and logical, and the power up are predictably fruit-flavored. The enemies consist primarily of some sort of living jaw-traps and, of course, the levels themselves, which are often built specifically to confound the physics under which our gorilla baby operates.
You’ll notice that vine is just slightly too far away to grab – it’s cheap tactics like this that remind me what Nintendo Hard means.
John’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5.0. It’s quirky, but generally loveable. It’s not exactly the sort of game that amounts to “hours of fun,” but I’ll often settle for “minutes of enjoyment” or “moments of nostalgia” in a pinch.
I should probably do Donkey Kong Jr. first, as it is technically the second game in the Donkey Kong series and also was released chronologically before this one, but as the games don’t exactly lead into one another, I feel little to no remorse about sticking with alphabetic order.
THIS IS THE BEST TITLE SCREEN YET!
Having said that, Donkey Kong 3 is a game wherein you spray a monkey’s hindquarters with insecticide in an effort first to drive him away, then to mash his head into a bee’s nest, presumably out of spite over his attempts to teach his son math; all this while attempting to protect flowers and avoid bee stings.
This game features a surprisingly merciful lack of poo.
John’s Rating: 3.0 out of 5.0. This is a solid, albeit simple, action game, all things considered, and stands as proof that familiar characters can be transplanted into unfamiliar gameplay without making a game suck by default. Mind you, Super Mario Bros. 2 and The Adventures of Link both prove that, but they’re hardly unanimously accepted. Also, BEES!
As a wise man once said, “Everything is better with monkeys.” By “wise” of course, I mean “drunk,” and by “said” I mean “imagined,” but the principle still holds true: EVERYONE loves monkeys, with the possible exception of people who give them Xanax.
But how could they have anticipated that using potent drugs to remove a violent xenophobic predator’s inhibitions could possibly have negative repercussions?
